The Unspoken Expectations Hidden Within Avoidant Attachment

Several months ago, I had a conversation with a friend (whom I will call Jack) as part of my work supporting him in healing his attachment patterns. He is an exceptionally self-aware man who has shown tremendous courage in exploring and healing the unresolved wounds he carries from both his mother and father. Watching him engage wholeheartedly in this work - and the growth that has followed - has been both inspiring and deeply rewarding.

During our conversation, he shared a story about a woman he had asked out years earlier. At the time, he was only beginning to awaken to his avoidant attachment patterns and the deeper wounds driving them. Looking back, he could see how angry he had felt toward her, and how little he understood the true source of that anger.

Jack recounted how, while sitting in a café with a friend, he was introduced to a woman he had never met before. There was an immediate spark of interest. They spent some time talking, and he genuinely enjoyed getting to know her. By the end of the conversation, he felt compelled to ask her out - a step that did not come easily to him at the time.

Her response was kind and gracious. She explained that she wouldn't be able to accept because she was due to leave the following week for an international business trip to Mexico City.

I imagine most people might feel a brief moment of disappointment in that situation, as her response was not a clear yes. A more secure response might involve acknowledging that disappointment, wishing her well on her trip, and perhaps offering a way to stay in contact - something as simple as, “No problem, have a great trip. Here's my number. Let me know when you're back, let's meet up.”

In my friend's case, however, he described an immediate internal shutdown, after which he did not pursue the matter any further. He did not even wish her a safe trip. When I asked Jack why he hadn't asked for her number or found a way to stay in touch, he replied quite calmly, “I was really angry.”

When I asked him why, he said, “She owed me.”

I remember being genuinely taken aback by his response, and by the logic beneath it.

We spent some time unpacking what he meant by this feeling that he was “owed” something by a complete stranger, and he responded with thoughtful openness. Having been engaged in significant inner work and reflection around his avoidant patterns for some years, he was able to articulate the internal logic behind this reaction with a surprising degree of clarity and humility.

Jack was remarkably honest in reflecting on the limitations of his earlier, more myopic way of interpreting the situation through an attachment lens. The woman was not the true target of his anger. Rather, she had become the symbolic recipient of emotions that originated elsewhere. As we explored the experience together, it became apparent that his reaction was connected to longstanding experiences of rejection and emotional unavailability in his relationship with his mother.

He explained it plainly: “I felt in that moment that I was owed something for all the times I was rejected and not acknowledged by my mother.”

I asked him, “Okay - what would that have looked like? What would she have needed to do for you to feel reassured?”

Jack replied that he would have wanted her to take the initiative in bridging the gap to a future meeting, offering her number, taking responsibility for staying in contact, and assuring him that she would reach out when she returned. In essence, he described wanting a clear guarantee of future connection, with minimal effort required on his part.

I asked him, in hindsight, how fair that expectation had been toward the woman he was interested in dating. My friend replied without hesitation, “It wasn't fair to her at all.”

He added that he could now see it as an ego-driven response, arising from unhealed attachment wounding, rather than something aligned with what he truly wanted at a deeper, more authentic level.

Jack also admitted that, at the time, his perspective had felt entirely justified. In his mind, she needed to “make it up to him” for the emotional injuries that were unconsciously rooted in his relationship with his mother.

Looking back, he recognized that his interpretation had been heavily shaped by an attachment lens that distorted both his understanding of the woman's behavior, as well as his perception of his own emotional responses.

What stood out to both my friend and me was that his interpretation of this moment was not random or unique to this situation - it was consistent with a deeper attachment strategy built over time. These kinds of distortions in interpreting other people's intentions do not emerge without cause; they are formed through repeated relational experiences that shape what feels “true” in moments of emotional activation.

To understand these dynamics more fully, we can begin by exploring how avoidant attachment patterns are formed. In subsequent essays, we will explore the developmental origins of these attachment strategies and how old relational debts can become unconsciously assigned to new people who had no part in creating them.